God Blessed Me With Sickness

Usually when we think of the words "sickness" and "miracle" together, our minds automatically think of a miraculous healing, like Christ healing the blind man in the New Testament. The story I want to share is a bit different. Yes, it includes physical healing, which to me was no less than a miracle from God. But the additional miracle I want to focus on is the very root of what created the need for me to be healed in the first place.

My miracle was that I got sick.

No, I didn't pray to be sick. I didn't want to be sick. I didn't even know what kind of sickness I had. All I knew at the time was: 1) My body didn't function, 2) This sickness was ruining my plans and dreams, and 3) I didn't know how long it would continue to run its course, and how long it would continue to shake my world.

Just before Abby dropped me off at the MTC.
September 19, 2012

I entered the Provo, Utah Missionary Training Center (MTC) on September 19, 2012, as a full-time missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, set apart to serve in the Korea Daejeon Mission. I was scheduled to be there learning Korean and studying how to preach the Gospel until the first part of December, when I would fly to Korea with other missionaries. While in the MTC, I was far from being the "best" missionary out there, but I loved my mission. I loved Koreans and I couldn't wait to help them feel Heavenly Father's love for them. I knew that many, if not most, of the people I would talk to in Korea would not want to hear much about my Church. I respected their agency and knew I had no control over that. My goal in going to Korea was not to convert the whole country. Yes, I did want to share my testimony about Jesus Christ and His restored Gospel. But ultimately, I wasn't going on a mission to "get the most baptisms". Before entering the MTC, I told God in prayer that I just wanted to help people feel loved. I prayed to be able to do that because no matter who you are or what you believe, Heavenly Father loves you. I wanted people to feel that love.

My companions...aren't they just gorgeous ANGELS?!

In mid-November, three weeks before I was scheduled to leave for Korea, I suddenly got really sick. The doctors weren’t sure what I had, but it was like my body just shut down. I had to sleep about 15 hours a day and my muscles constantly felt like I’d run 15 miles, and mentally I felt like it was 3 a.m. all the time. I was just so “out of it”. I took it easy the first couple of days, hoping to sleep it off so that I could get back to work as soon as I could. But those days started adding up without any change in my health, despite the many prayers and fasts offered by missionaries and leaders in the MTC and from family at home.

After two weeks I seemed to start getting better in answer to everyone’s prayers and fasts. But the Lord had a different plan for me. Three days before my scheduled flight to Korea, I found myself alone and as sick as ever on a plane headed to Iowa.

Coming home.
November 30, 2012

I spent most of  December, January, and February at home in bed or lying on the floor or a couch. My family and a few friends were so kind to spend time with me when they were able to. But, for the most part, I was by myself all day, every day. I cried myself to sleep multiple times a week for months.  Although I knew with all my heart that the Lord had a bigger plan for me, I felt like I’d been kicked off of His team like, “You are the weakest link.” Thoughts that in my head I knew were lies planted themselves deep within my heart. They came in all kinds of forms, including overwhelming feelings of unworthiness and worthlessness. I had not only come home early from my mission and felt like I was letting down my family, other missionaries, myself, and worst of all, God, but I also felt I had no contribution to make at home either. I had planned on and wanted so badly to be serving God as a full-time missionary during the very time I was now wasting. Instead of spending all my energy devoted to finding Heavenly Father’s beautiful Korean children to teach and inviting them to come unto Christ, I now spent what little energy I had in 5 minute scripture studies, mostly just staring at the page because I felt so dizzy. Rather than lifting others and helping them come to Church, I was only able to make it to about 20 minutes of Sacrament Meeting every other week myself. The value of my life felt like it plummeted and that I had fallen hard. I felt like a nothing.

I was mad at myself for taking this all so hard. After all, so many people in the world had it a lot worse than I did. What was my problem?? I got to sleep every day, hang out, watch movies, have no obligations. But that was the problem. Almost everything I loved about life felt like it had been sucked away from me. I had nothing to wake up to in the morning. I felt guilty for feeling as depressed as I was. I knew I "just needed more faith." My brain barely functioned at a coherent level on a good day as it was, and that was just the sickness taking its toll. Emotionally, I was beyond lonely. I wanted nothing more than to be in Korea with my companions and zone, the missionaries I'd been with in the MTC.

I had no idea how long my life would continue like this. Maybe it would have been less emotionally and spiritually draining if I had had a reason for what my body was doing, if I could have a label and a time frame. Even if it wasn't a good label. Because without a name to my sickness, some people thought I was just being lazy or that I was too scared to go to Korea to complete the next 15 months of my mission. In addition, I sometimes would assume the worst and would be terrified I had one of the more life-changing or even life-threatening illnesses the doctors mentioned as possibilities. Doctors in Utah and at the University of Iowa did test after test to try to figure out why my body's level of functioning had turned to molasses.  No clear results came back, so they finally just started eliminating the "big" diseases and illnesses to make sure I was going to be okay in the long run. I was lucky to have a very kind and understanding doctor, but ultimately, my treatment was to "wait it out" for however long it would take.

I knew everything was in Heavenly Father's hands and that ultimately everything would be fine, but at the same time all I felt was hurt. I was lonely, I was sick, and my dreams of my mission seemed shattered.

"So", you might say, "Where's the miracle in that? That's just a really unfortunate situation."

And it was unfortunate. I hated it. It was hard. It was heart-breaking. I never would have asked for it. And if you would have asked me at the time if I'd ever be grateful that happened, I don't think I would have said yes. After all, how could I be grateful that I didn't complete my mission, the Lord's errand? How could I be grateful that I missed meeting and teaching people in Korea? How could I ever be grateful to have missed out on all of that? It would be hypocritical. It would mean I didn't value my mission, that I gave up. Yes, I could come to terms with what happened, and feel at peace. I knew I'd feel gratitude for the memories I had at home and the comfort I felt while sick. But, how could I ever, in good conscience, tell Heavenly Father that I was grateful I came home early, that I was grateful I didn't serve my mission to the Lord in Korea?

Well, I'm here to tell you that I am. It's been a long time coming to get to the point where I can say this, and completely mean it. But, I'm grateful I got sick. I'm grateful I came home early. I'm grateful for my re-routed life's course.

Amid the often unseen hurt I experienced, the Lord poured down blessings and tender mercies. I felt that I could say with the prophet Ammon in the Book of Mormon, “Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things;” (Alma 26:12). Even though my strength literally was weak, I knew God had a plan for me and that He could see a bigger picture than I could. He was now calling me to a different mission in life. I was supposed to meet the amazing missionaries and leaders at the MTC who I served with, and I needed the training I received there. But, my “mission field” would be somewhere else. It would be different, but not less. Although the pain I felt in losing my mission to Korea was much deeper than I could have ever imagined, I knew that in God’s strength I could do all things. I knew that He would heal me eventually. I knew that He cared about me and heard my cries when the pain was more than I could take. I knew He would, in this life or the next, fulfill every promised blessing I’d received about serving my Korean people. And, I trusted that He was again leading me to new dreams.

And that's exactly what He has done.

Even though for months, I spent my days physically alone, He never left me alone. I felt the power of the Atonement strengthen my Spirit beyond my own capacity. Friends, family, along with elders and sisters from my mission became angels who lifted me in ways they don’t even know. Letters, phone calls, and visits came at inspired timing.

After spending 4 months almost entirely at home, my body started to slowly regain its strength. By the end of the spring I was able to start running again, and although I could still feel my sickness' effects through the end of the summer, I was almost entirely functional by the end of spring. Since then, I've never been more grateful for good health and for my body's ability to run.

So, let's talk miracles for a sec...

Like I said before, I would never have asked for that to happen. I didn't want to spend all that time alone. I didn't want to come home and complete an online service mission instead of being in Korea (even though it was a huuuuge blessing and a great experience). I didn't want to have to explain to people why I didn't go to Korea. I didn't want to have my heart broken. I didn't want to be sick.

But that's exactly where the miracle is.

Heavenly Father knew better than I did what I wanted long-term. The miracle was hidden in the sickness. He knew I needed the experiences in the MTC, and I have faith that at some time, in some way, I'll be able to again serve with my Korean people. He knew the great joy I'd receive in serving the mission I served, and He wanted me to have that. But He didn't stop there. He tailor-made a mission just for Kristilyn, where He led me to miracle after miracle and blessing after blessing. He answered my prayers to be able to help people feel loved by giving me an experience that would enlarge my compassion for others. I've had job experiences, church opportunities, testimony increase, memories with family and friends, and an outpouring of joy directly because I came home early. I've met some of my best friends through my mission and through coming home early. Heavenly Father knew I needed that! He knew what was best for me, but it wasn't just to hurt me and teach me lessons. Yes, it did hurt, and I did learn a ton through the experience, but He did it because He wants me to be happy!!

I love this song from Laura Story called "Blessings". It basically says it all.

Heavenly Father gives us opportunities and allows us to experience pain because He knows the path that will eventually lead us to be the happiest. That's all He wants! We are His children and He desires for us to have joy. When Christ says, "Come follow me", it's not just so we can be boring and take the harder way in life. It's because He wants to bless us. And I'm grateful He did so for me through the miracle of my sickness.

~Kristilyn

 

Seeing my companions spring 2014 after they came home :) Happiest thing of my life.

"Sometimes our plan B is God’s way of making His plan A a reality."